Keeping busy

The good thing now about being busy looking for a job is that I just don't have time to feel bad. I just can't let myself, because I really need to focus on getting a job really soon, and if I let myself reflect on the fact that I am only looking for a new job because of him, I will probably break down. I need to stay positive, and I think I am doing a fairly good job at the moment.
And when I do get a new job, I can't exactly break down then either, so hopefully a new role would keep me busy enough to push all bad thoughts aside.

Forget that I am forever a different person. 

Things he took and wounds that open and heal

I just went back to work today again from my holiday, for the first time since I found out my contract was not getting renewed, and all day long I just couldn't stop thinking about the fact that I only have a few more days left there, and all that he has taken from me. Or that I let him take from me.

I was a disgustingly positive person. I am no more, though I try to continue pretending to be, so that people will not notice the difference, cause how could anyone like me if I am not the same?

I had a best friend who said she loved me like a sister. I have no more, she abandoned me at the first sight of hard times.

My mum was very helpful at first. She is no more, she hasn't even spoken to me in months since we had an argument about alcohol, not even to ask how I am, after I lost my job and everything.

I had a job that I truly loved. I will have no more from next week.

I could have sex and enjoy it, I could be near a man and enjoy it. I can't really anymore, without the influence of too much alcohol.

On a positive note I'm starting to feel a bit better again now. I see a small sliver of hope again after the losing of job debacle. I have a couple of interviews lined up for good jobs for next week, so that is something positive to focus on.

And also, if I think back at how bad I was in the first few months, and how many crazy and dangerous situations I got into then because of alcohol and drugs, or anything to relieve the pain temporarily, I have actually come a long way. I might have lost some things, but I am nowhere near as bad as I was a few months ago. I guess wounds do slowly heal. Even the infected ones. Mine was opened a bit again, but I am sure it will start healing again.

Another failure

I tried to go back to work. Was there for 4 hours yesterday. It was exhausting. It's like nothing matters anymore except for him, and waiting to see what will happen to him. I found it really hard to sit and make small talk with my colleagues, like I used to love before. I couldn't go in today. I was only there 4 hours, and I panicked when I thought of the idea of being at work for 8 hours 5 days a week. I can't do it right now. I'm going to try to speak to HR and see if we can work something out so I can come back gradually. God I hate myself, I feel so useless right now, that I cant even manage working.

On another note, I will be seeing the psychologist once a week for 12 weeks, so that should hopefully be helpful. I don't want to be stuck like I am now. Oh I just want to be able to move on. Or at least forward a bit.

All I want to do right now is go and buy a bottle of wine. It's not even 1pm yet. But I know I will cave to the alcohol soon. I need the numbing of it today. I can't stand to feel the monster ripping at my chest today.

My new world

After I went to the police station, everything was turned upside down.
All of a sudden my world revolved around words like:

Investigation
Police
Statements
Forensic Examination
DNA swabs
Crime Scene
Arrest
Penile Swab
Court
Bail
ID Parade
Counselling

I still can't believe it is all happening. It's like I've had an out of body experience for more than 2 months.
I don't know when it will all sink in properly. I will need to start dealing with it eventually instead of dissasotiating with it like I've been doing. I am hoping writing all of this will maybe help a little bit. Who knows, but now I feel a kind of hopelessness I never knew existed, and I need to try something.

Today I will have my first session with a psychologist and then I will return to work again. I've been away for almost the 2 months, except for a couple of times in the beginning when I tried to return cause I thought that was what was best (it wasn't).
I hate that he has made me into a person who has been on sick leave for 2 months. I actually love my job, but now I feel nervous about going back.
Dealing with all the people asking questions, the inevitable gossip, dealing with the actual work tasks.