Sometimes people say things to victims that they might not realise hurt like a few hundred bricks just landed on your chest.
Like my friend, after we got into an argument about why I had tried to kill myself abroad earlier that year.
She said: "But what about what he did was so bad?"
Hmm.. I can't even now find a response to that question.
Or like my mother, who recently said to me in a childish exaggerated voice:
"You're always like, 'ooh feel sorry for me, I had such a hard time, I feel so bad..buhuuu' " "Just get some help then"
Hmm... well this is something that I am never going to forget.
But I am not letting any of the above get in the way of my relationships. I have lost enough, I can't lose anymore.
Wednesday 22 January 2014
2012, the year of the monster. 2013, the year of the new beginning, the downfall and the attempted suicide
I thought that when 2012 would end, so would my pain. It was going to be a new start.
Gone was the most painful, difficult and horrible year of my life. Gone was the year of the Monster.
Finally 2013 was here, and with it a new me. It all started really well, I got a new job, a job that I had wanted so badly. It was a great position and I truly loved it. I did not write on the blog, I did not read about rapes, I decided to remove myself from that part of my life completely. Kind of like Out of Sight out of Mind, right?
But unfortunately that's not really how it works.
The memories that I tried so hard to block out and the feelings I tried to ignore kept on creeping in on me when I least expected it. Mostly when I was drinking. That's when I lost my precious control.
Suddenly I found myself in a downward spiral just spiralling further and further down, to the point where I found myself at the hospital after drinking for, I don't know, a long time. And worse, after cutting myself. Only my legs, so that the scars couldn't be seen. Not so bad right. But the scars can be seen still, 7 months later.
That's when I realised that I would probably not survive living in the city of London much longer. The city where he raped me, and everything reminded me of him and what I had lost, would probably eventually kill me.
The city that I loved, where I had a life, where I had a fantastic job, would probably eventually kill me.
So I decided to leave. I decided to go travelling. Travelling is my passion, and I wanted to find myself. I went to Central America for 4 months.
This was probably the best thing I could have done. But no matter how far you travel, your feelings travel with you.
I really found myself again, I met new people constantly, and I could talk to them like I used to. Not like I was a rape victim. I was just me again.
I truly felt like I was healing. And I still know I did.
But like I said, your feelings are never far away.
After a series of bad descisions in Nicaragua, and many days of drinking constantly, I truly thought that the only way to end the pain was to end the reason for the pain, i.e my life.
I thought cutting my wrist was a good idea. But after I started, I realised that I couldn't cut deep enough to bleed out.
And that's when I remembered that I had a number of strong valiums that I had purchased in Guatemala earlier on the trip.
Suffice it to say I thought it easier to take all of them, and so I did.
Don't remember anything after that until I was woken up by people in the hostel in the morning, taking me to a hospital. So I laid in a hospital in Nicaragua with an IV drip and bugs creeping on the walls for 2 days.
Well at least I could say that I had then reached the bottom of the spiral.
Then came the shame, and the guilt, towards my parents especially. Those are feelings I can talk about another time.
Now it's 2014, and I'm back in Sweden. I wonder what this year will bring.
Gone was the most painful, difficult and horrible year of my life. Gone was the year of the Monster.
Finally 2013 was here, and with it a new me. It all started really well, I got a new job, a job that I had wanted so badly. It was a great position and I truly loved it. I did not write on the blog, I did not read about rapes, I decided to remove myself from that part of my life completely. Kind of like Out of Sight out of Mind, right?
But unfortunately that's not really how it works.
The memories that I tried so hard to block out and the feelings I tried to ignore kept on creeping in on me when I least expected it. Mostly when I was drinking. That's when I lost my precious control.
Suddenly I found myself in a downward spiral just spiralling further and further down, to the point where I found myself at the hospital after drinking for, I don't know, a long time. And worse, after cutting myself. Only my legs, so that the scars couldn't be seen. Not so bad right. But the scars can be seen still, 7 months later.
That's when I realised that I would probably not survive living in the city of London much longer. The city where he raped me, and everything reminded me of him and what I had lost, would probably eventually kill me.
The city that I loved, where I had a life, where I had a fantastic job, would probably eventually kill me.
So I decided to leave. I decided to go travelling. Travelling is my passion, and I wanted to find myself. I went to Central America for 4 months.
This was probably the best thing I could have done. But no matter how far you travel, your feelings travel with you.
I really found myself again, I met new people constantly, and I could talk to them like I used to. Not like I was a rape victim. I was just me again.
I truly felt like I was healing. And I still know I did.
But like I said, your feelings are never far away.
After a series of bad descisions in Nicaragua, and many days of drinking constantly, I truly thought that the only way to end the pain was to end the reason for the pain, i.e my life.
I thought cutting my wrist was a good idea. But after I started, I realised that I couldn't cut deep enough to bleed out.
And that's when I remembered that I had a number of strong valiums that I had purchased in Guatemala earlier on the trip.
Suffice it to say I thought it easier to take all of them, and so I did.
Don't remember anything after that until I was woken up by people in the hostel in the morning, taking me to a hospital. So I laid in a hospital in Nicaragua with an IV drip and bugs creeping on the walls for 2 days.
Well at least I could say that I had then reached the bottom of the spiral.
Then came the shame, and the guilt, towards my parents especially. Those are feelings I can talk about another time.
Now it's 2014, and I'm back in Sweden. I wonder what this year will bring.
Thursday 6 December 2012
Per la sua famiglia
è necessario leggere tutto questo, e se non parlano inglese basta usare google translate. Perché uno dei fratelli Rongo ha fatto qualcosa di imperdonabile, e se la mia famiglia era di Napoli e non dalla Svezia sarebbe già morto!
Aftersilence.org
Funny, how like in my previous entry I said that, just like that, my night turned from good to bad. And actually just like that, my night turned from bad to good. There is this great forum and chat on the website www.aftersilence.org that is just great if you need someone to talk to.
I literally thought about suicide for the first time in a while tonight. Not like I would really do it I guess, cause I am too much of a chicken for that, and I care too much about my family, but I thought about it again, and I haven't thought it was the right thing for me in a while.
But then, after talking to people there for a bit I really felt better. Maybe it's cause you finally feel like you belong somewhere. In a world where no one should really have to be, but where those who are can find each other.
I literally thought about suicide for the first time in a while tonight. Not like I would really do it I guess, cause I am too much of a chicken for that, and I care too much about my family, but I thought about it again, and I haven't thought it was the right thing for me in a while.
But then, after talking to people there for a bit I really felt better. Maybe it's cause you finally feel like you belong somewhere. In a world where no one should really have to be, but where those who are can find each other.
Wednesday 5 December 2012
The lack of control
It's weird sometimes you have triggers that you don't know about. Today for example was not a bad day. Rather quite a good day. But, I have had a trigger somewhere and I don't know what.
Now I feel like shit. I feel like I can barely breathe. I feel like I am trapped inside myself. And all I want to do is scream. Really loud. But I can't of course. Because I feel like I can't lose control where there is a risk of people noticing me. Even though I am in my own house. Someone could hear if I lost control.
I feel like a prisoner in my own body. It takes all my willpower to keep myself in control.
Control.
It's such an important word for me. Always need to be in control. And so often now I feel like I am not in control. Like I only have control over the outside shell of me. Cause that is the only thing that I have the power to control. And even that is hard.
Maybe I should climb a mountain so that I could let go. It would feel so nice just to be able to scream out loud, just scream until I can no longer scream.
Why is it like this? Why do I feel like this? I don't understand it. Why do I sometimes feel ok or even good, and then all of a sudden I feel like I just want to die again. Like nothing really matters anymore because I am so empty anyway.
Why can't it just go away. Forever. Will it ever go away? Forever?
Now I feel like shit. I feel like I can barely breathe. I feel like I am trapped inside myself. And all I want to do is scream. Really loud. But I can't of course. Because I feel like I can't lose control where there is a risk of people noticing me. Even though I am in my own house. Someone could hear if I lost control.
I feel like a prisoner in my own body. It takes all my willpower to keep myself in control.
Control.
It's such an important word for me. Always need to be in control. And so often now I feel like I am not in control. Like I only have control over the outside shell of me. Cause that is the only thing that I have the power to control. And even that is hard.
Maybe I should climb a mountain so that I could let go. It would feel so nice just to be able to scream out loud, just scream until I can no longer scream.
Why is it like this? Why do I feel like this? I don't understand it. Why do I sometimes feel ok or even good, and then all of a sudden I feel like I just want to die again. Like nothing really matters anymore because I am so empty anyway.
Why can't it just go away. Forever. Will it ever go away? Forever?
What was my rape??
Sometimes I feel very lost, in the sense that it feels like no one has a definition on what happened to me.
I get that all rapes are different under different circumstances, but I mean, does it count as a Stranger Rape? Yes he was a stranger I had never seen before he was inside me, but it happened inside in a flat I had willingly gone into, and it didn't happen outside violently in a dark alley. And that is how it seems people view stranger rape.
Was it Date Rape? In a sense cause I had been drinking and gone home with his brother maybe yes, but date rape indicates that the offender is at least someone you met that night.
I also read somewhere, Diminished Capacity Rape. I suppose that is also right in a way as I was asleep. But I wasn't incapaciated due to intoxication either. Sure I had been drinking, but I was asleep, not unconcious.
In the end I suppose it doesn't matter, rape is rape is rape. But still, it feels like I don't belong anywhere anymore in the real world, and the same in the world of rape, it feels like I don't really belong anywhere.
I get that all rapes are different under different circumstances, but I mean, does it count as a Stranger Rape? Yes he was a stranger I had never seen before he was inside me, but it happened inside in a flat I had willingly gone into, and it didn't happen outside violently in a dark alley. And that is how it seems people view stranger rape.
Was it Date Rape? In a sense cause I had been drinking and gone home with his brother maybe yes, but date rape indicates that the offender is at least someone you met that night.
I also read somewhere, Diminished Capacity Rape. I suppose that is also right in a way as I was asleep. But I wasn't incapaciated due to intoxication either. Sure I had been drinking, but I was asleep, not unconcious.
In the end I suppose it doesn't matter, rape is rape is rape. But still, it feels like I don't belong anywhere anymore in the real world, and the same in the world of rape, it feels like I don't really belong anywhere.
Monday 3 December 2012
Excerpt from my journal, 30th of March 2012
As I mentioned in the page "Writings from my journal before I started my blog" I will publish some of my journal entries that I wrote throughout my experience, but it's too long to publish on the one page so will publish here every now and then.
This is from the 30th of March 2012.
Everything feels so surreal still.
I'm having an out of body experience when I hear words as:
Forensic examination
DNA samples
Penile swab
Victim
Arrested
Crime scene
Counselling
Statement
STI screening
Bailed
Court
Trial
Police
Therapy
Worst of all:
RAPED.
I hate the word.
HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE
Later..
Sometimes I fear I will get addited, to alcohol, prescription drugs, or recreational drugs. Sometimes it's the ONLY way to numb the pain.
I could be weak enough.
Later still..
Screw HIM
This is from the 30th of March 2012.
Everything feels so surreal still.
I'm having an out of body experience when I hear words as:
Forensic examination
DNA samples
Penile swab
Victim
Arrested
Crime scene
Counselling
Statement
STI screening
Bailed
Court
Trial
Police
Therapy
Worst of all:
RAPED.
I hate the word.
HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE
Later..
Sometimes I fear I will get addited, to alcohol, prescription drugs, or recreational drugs. Sometimes it's the ONLY way to numb the pain.
I could be weak enough.
Later still..
Screw HIM
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