The lack of control

It's weird sometimes you have triggers that you don't know about. Today for example was not a bad day. Rather quite a good day. But, I have had a trigger somewhere and I don't know what.
Now I feel like shit. I feel like I can barely breathe. I feel like I am trapped inside myself. And all I want to do is scream. Really loud. But I can't of course. Because I feel like I can't lose control where there is a risk of people noticing me. Even though I am in my own house. Someone could hear if I lost control.

I feel like a prisoner in my own body. It takes all my willpower to keep myself in control.

Control.

It's such an important word for me. Always need to be in control. And so often now I feel like I am not in control. Like I only have control over the outside shell of me. Cause that is the only thing that I have the power to control. And even that is hard.

Maybe I should climb a mountain so that I could let go. It would feel so nice just to be able to scream out loud, just scream until I can no longer scream.

Why is it like this? Why do I feel like this? I don't understand it. Why do I sometimes feel ok or even good, and then all of a sudden I feel like I just want to die again. Like nothing really matters anymore because I am so empty anyway.

Why can't it just go away. Forever. Will it ever go away? Forever?