It's weird sometimes you have triggers that you don't know about. Today for example was not a bad day. Rather quite a good day. But, I have had a trigger somewhere and I don't know what.
Now I feel like shit. I feel like I can barely breathe. I feel like I am trapped inside myself. And all I want to do is scream. Really loud. But I can't of course. Because I feel like I can't lose control where there is a risk of people noticing me. Even though I am in my own house. Someone could hear if I lost control.
I feel like a prisoner in my own body. It takes all my willpower to keep myself in control.
Control.
It's such an important word for me. Always need to be in control. And so often now I feel like I am not in control. Like I only have control over the outside shell of me. Cause that is the only thing that I have the power to control. And even that is hard.
Maybe I should climb a mountain so that I could let go. It would feel so nice just to be able to scream out loud, just scream until I can no longer scream.
Why is it like this? Why do I feel like this? I don't understand it. Why do I sometimes feel ok or even good, and then all of a sudden I feel like I just want to die again. Like nothing really matters anymore because I am so empty anyway.
Why can't it just go away. Forever. Will it ever go away? Forever?
Showing posts with label Lost. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Lost. Show all posts
Wednesday, 5 December 2012
What was my rape??
Sometimes I feel very lost, in the sense that it feels like no one has a definition on what happened to me.
I get that all rapes are different under different circumstances, but I mean, does it count as a Stranger Rape? Yes he was a stranger I had never seen before he was inside me, but it happened inside in a flat I had willingly gone into, and it didn't happen outside violently in a dark alley. And that is how it seems people view stranger rape.
Was it Date Rape? In a sense cause I had been drinking and gone home with his brother maybe yes, but date rape indicates that the offender is at least someone you met that night.
I also read somewhere, Diminished Capacity Rape. I suppose that is also right in a way as I was asleep. But I wasn't incapaciated due to intoxication either. Sure I had been drinking, but I was asleep, not unconcious.
In the end I suppose it doesn't matter, rape is rape is rape. But still, it feels like I don't belong anywhere anymore in the real world, and the same in the world of rape, it feels like I don't really belong anywhere.
I get that all rapes are different under different circumstances, but I mean, does it count as a Stranger Rape? Yes he was a stranger I had never seen before he was inside me, but it happened inside in a flat I had willingly gone into, and it didn't happen outside violently in a dark alley. And that is how it seems people view stranger rape.
Was it Date Rape? In a sense cause I had been drinking and gone home with his brother maybe yes, but date rape indicates that the offender is at least someone you met that night.
I also read somewhere, Diminished Capacity Rape. I suppose that is also right in a way as I was asleep. But I wasn't incapaciated due to intoxication either. Sure I had been drinking, but I was asleep, not unconcious.
In the end I suppose it doesn't matter, rape is rape is rape. But still, it feels like I don't belong anywhere anymore in the real world, and the same in the world of rape, it feels like I don't really belong anywhere.
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