Writings from my journal before I started the blog

I wanted to publish some of the stuff I wrote in my journal before I started the blog. Some of it has been written after I started it also, but at that time I was writing more in the journal than here.
As this will be too long I will publish my first entry here, and the rest in the blog itself at various times mentioning that it's an excerpt from my diary. 

30th of March 2012

At the park. Thought to myself that buying a journal is a good idea. To write things down.
Things about HIM.
HIM who has changed my life.
HIM who I hate so much sometimes that the pain turns physical.
HIM who I sometimes feel guilty for. For calling the police, even though I KNOW he deserves it.
HIM who's name is G.
HIM who has created a monster in my chest. A monster that is trying to claw it's way out, to scream. Sometimes I look so calm on the outside, but on the inside, the monster is roaring, there is so much disorder there.

Today I spoke to N, my SOIT officer. She told me that Iwill have to do the ID parade on the 11th of April.
To identify HIM.
I will count down the days and just wait for the relief that might just come after it's done.

At the same time I am scared I will not recognise him.
Have put it all at the back of my head. But I do think his face will come back to me as soon as I see it.
The fucking bastard.
Am also slightly scared to see his face. Am scared of my reaction. Am scared I will fall off the deep end again.
I also feel ridiculous, like I should be able to handle it better, like maybe it wasn't a big deal.

But it WAS a big deal.
It has hurt me in a way I never thought possible.
I didn't think it was going to affect me so much. But it has.
Everything.
The police, the Haven, the investigation, the DNA sample, the endless restlessness inside.
The feeling of being powerless.

What helps is that his life is also ruined. Just the fact that he was arrested for rape, interviewed by the police, had a penile swab, had to give away his passport, and the fact that he has to go to the police station EVERY single day to report.
That is surely a reminder every single day of what he has done.

I wonder if he feels the shame I hope he feels. The shame he deserves to feel.