I tried to go back to work. Was there for 4 hours yesterday. It was exhausting. It's like nothing matters anymore except for him, and waiting to see what will happen to him. I found it really hard to sit and make small talk with my colleagues, like I used to love before. I couldn't go in today. I was only there 4 hours, and I panicked when I thought of the idea of being at work for 8 hours 5 days a week. I can't do it right now. I'm going to try to speak to HR and see if we can work something out so I can come back gradually. God I hate myself, I feel so useless right now, that I cant even manage working.
On another note, I will be seeing the psychologist once a week for 12 weeks, so that should hopefully be helpful. I don't want to be stuck like I am now. Oh I just want to be able to move on. Or at least forward a bit.
All I want to do right now is go and buy a bottle of wine. It's not even 1pm yet. But I know I will cave to the alcohol soon. I need the numbing of it today. I can't stand to feel the monster ripping at my chest today.
Wednesday 25 April 2012
Tuesday 24 April 2012
My new world
After I went to the police station, everything was turned upside down.
All of a sudden my world revolved around words like:
Investigation
Police
Statements
Forensic Examination
DNA swabs
Crime Scene
Arrest
Penile Swab
Court
Bail
ID Parade
Counselling
I still can't believe it is all happening. It's like I've had an out of body experience for more than 2 months.
I don't know when it will all sink in properly. I will need to start dealing with it eventually instead of dissasotiating with it like I've been doing. I am hoping writing all of this will maybe help a little bit. Who knows, but now I feel a kind of hopelessness I never knew existed, and I need to try something.
Today I will have my first session with a psychologist and then I will return to work again. I've been away for almost the 2 months, except for a couple of times in the beginning when I tried to return cause I thought that was what was best (it wasn't).
I hate that he has made me into a person who has been on sick leave for 2 months. I actually love my job, but now I feel nervous about going back.
Dealing with all the people asking questions, the inevitable gossip, dealing with the actual work tasks.
All of a sudden my world revolved around words like:
Investigation
Police
Statements
Forensic Examination
DNA swabs
Crime Scene
Arrest
Penile Swab
Court
Bail
ID Parade
Counselling
I still can't believe it is all happening. It's like I've had an out of body experience for more than 2 months.
I don't know when it will all sink in properly. I will need to start dealing with it eventually instead of dissasotiating with it like I've been doing. I am hoping writing all of this will maybe help a little bit. Who knows, but now I feel a kind of hopelessness I never knew existed, and I need to try something.
Today I will have my first session with a psychologist and then I will return to work again. I've been away for almost the 2 months, except for a couple of times in the beginning when I tried to return cause I thought that was what was best (it wasn't).
I hate that he has made me into a person who has been on sick leave for 2 months. I actually love my job, but now I feel nervous about going back.
Dealing with all the people asking questions, the inevitable gossip, dealing with the actual work tasks.
Monday 23 April 2012
The police station
When I first went to the police, I had like I said been advised by a friend who is a policeman, but I wasn't really sure I was doing the right thing.
I soon realised they took whast happened to me very seriously.
First after I spoke briefly with the male officer, he brought a female officer who took my initial statement. She asked me to start from the beginning and tell her everything that happened. She wrote everything down, while they waited for someone from the specialist Sapphire team, who deal with sexual assault cases.
She then gave me an early evidence kit, so I had to give a urin sample and a mouth swap for DNA.
After a while, probably more than an hour, the 2 officers from the Sapphire team came. One man who is the investigating officer dealing with my case and a woman who is assigned as my point of contact during this whole procedure.
She then took my statement again, asked me to go through everything from the beginning again while she wrote it down. She also asked a lot of questions, more intimate than I would have thought.
After sitting there for about 3 hours or so she wanted to take me to a sexual assault referral centre to have a forensic examination, but by then it was after 10 at night, and I was so exhausted we decided to go there first thing in the morning instead.
So many people speak about bad experiences they have with the police when they report. But so far I have been lucky I guess. Haven't really seen the man who is in charge of the investigation, as he is doing other things, like arrests, interviews, witness statements, cctv and so on, but the woman who is my contact, was absolutely great during that first week, which was so extremely hard, and she's been in contact with any news since then.
Anyway, that was Sunday night, 2 days after the incident.
Soon I will tell you about Monday and the forensic examination with the DNA swabs.
I soon realised they took whast happened to me very seriously.
First after I spoke briefly with the male officer, he brought a female officer who took my initial statement. She asked me to start from the beginning and tell her everything that happened. She wrote everything down, while they waited for someone from the specialist Sapphire team, who deal with sexual assault cases.
She then gave me an early evidence kit, so I had to give a urin sample and a mouth swap for DNA.
After a while, probably more than an hour, the 2 officers from the Sapphire team came. One man who is the investigating officer dealing with my case and a woman who is assigned as my point of contact during this whole procedure.
She then took my statement again, asked me to go through everything from the beginning again while she wrote it down. She also asked a lot of questions, more intimate than I would have thought.
After sitting there for about 3 hours or so she wanted to take me to a sexual assault referral centre to have a forensic examination, but by then it was after 10 at night, and I was so exhausted we decided to go there first thing in the morning instead.
So many people speak about bad experiences they have with the police when they report. But so far I have been lucky I guess. Haven't really seen the man who is in charge of the investigation, as he is doing other things, like arrests, interviews, witness statements, cctv and so on, but the woman who is my contact, was absolutely great during that first week, which was so extremely hard, and she's been in contact with any news since then.
Anyway, that was Sunday night, 2 days after the incident.
Soon I will tell you about Monday and the forensic examination with the DNA swabs.
Hate
I have so many things to write, I don't even know really how to organise my thoughts, so I will try to take things in order, but I will probably all of a sudden write things I'm feeling now.
Like how much I have started to hate him lately. It took me a while. I used to feel such guilt, and still do, but lately I have felt more anger. When I realised he actually ruined my life, that I haven't even been able to go to work for so long, that's when I started hating him for doing this to me.
And the hopelessness I have felt, the powerlessness. The pain which is actually pshysical.
It's like there is a monster living in my chest, trying to claw it's way out. It's ripping my insides to shreds.
I'm sure any rape victim will know exactly what pain I am talking about.
When I think of that, then I hate him.
I used to feel guilty for going to the police, thinking that maybe I was overreacting (and I still think that sometimes), like maybe it wasn't such a big deal. But my body is reacting this way, so surely that means that it WAS a big deal.
I used to be like the most positive person. I no longer see anything positive.
The only thing that helps me get through the day, and all the waiting all the time, is knowing that he is waiting also. Every day, waiting for the result of the investigation. He was arrested for rape, and he has conditions for bail that are not easy on him.
So I'm suffering, but at least for now he is also probably suffering. And he deserves it, every bit of it.
I hate him.
Like how much I have started to hate him lately. It took me a while. I used to feel such guilt, and still do, but lately I have felt more anger. When I realised he actually ruined my life, that I haven't even been able to go to work for so long, that's when I started hating him for doing this to me.
And the hopelessness I have felt, the powerlessness. The pain which is actually pshysical.
It's like there is a monster living in my chest, trying to claw it's way out. It's ripping my insides to shreds.
I'm sure any rape victim will know exactly what pain I am talking about.
When I think of that, then I hate him.
I used to feel guilty for going to the police, thinking that maybe I was overreacting (and I still think that sometimes), like maybe it wasn't such a big deal. But my body is reacting this way, so surely that means that it WAS a big deal.
I used to be like the most positive person. I no longer see anything positive.
The only thing that helps me get through the day, and all the waiting all the time, is knowing that he is waiting also. Every day, waiting for the result of the investigation. He was arrested for rape, and he has conditions for bail that are not easy on him.
So I'm suffering, but at least for now he is also probably suffering. And he deserves it, every bit of it.
I hate him.
When I first realised what he did was rape
At first I didn't understand what had happened to me. I didn't understand that I had been raped. Cause see, it wasn't rape in the way you read in the media, where someone gets attacked in a park by a stranger with a knife. It was something different, I will tell you more on that later when I feel ready.
I didn't fully understand it was rape even when my friend told me straight out: "That was rape" or even when we decided to talk to her flatmate, who is a policeman and he advised me to go to the police.
I dont think I started realising until later on, at the policestation.
I went up to the front desk and told them I wanted to report a sexual assault. A young policeman took me and my friend into a room to take my details for the initial report they call CAD. So he asked for my name, number, address, where the incident occured and then what actually happened.
I couldnt really find the words, so he asked me: "Was it sexual assault by touching?"
Then I just told him in once sentence what happened, and he told me to stop, he would get a female officer for me, and he wrote down one word on that piece of paper.
That word was Rape
I didn't fully understand it was rape even when my friend told me straight out: "That was rape" or even when we decided to talk to her flatmate, who is a policeman and he advised me to go to the police.
I dont think I started realising until later on, at the policestation.
I went up to the front desk and told them I wanted to report a sexual assault. A young policeman took me and my friend into a room to take my details for the initial report they call CAD. So he asked for my name, number, address, where the incident occured and then what actually happened.
I couldnt really find the words, so he asked me: "Was it sexual assault by touching?"
Then I just told him in once sentence what happened, and he told me to stop, he would get a female officer for me, and he wrote down one word on that piece of paper.
That word was Rape
Me and Him
I wanted to start this blog to write about my journey through hell and hopefully back even though I am nowhere near there yet. And also about HIM.
HIM who has changed me.
HIM who has shattered my world.
HIM who I shall refer to as G.
HIM who raped me.
I was looking around for stories about survivors who have gone through something similar, but I can't find anyone who writes about the struggle with the legal process and dealing with the police investigation.
What happened was now 65 days ago, and I'm just waiting in limbo while the investigation is ongoing.
I will try to take you from the beginning to where I am now, and let's see if anything new happens in the meanwhile.
HIM who has changed me.
HIM who has shattered my world.
HIM who I shall refer to as G.
HIM who raped me.
I was looking around for stories about survivors who have gone through something similar, but I can't find anyone who writes about the struggle with the legal process and dealing with the police investigation.
What happened was now 65 days ago, and I'm just waiting in limbo while the investigation is ongoing.
I will try to take you from the beginning to where I am now, and let's see if anything new happens in the meanwhile.
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