Hate

I have so many things to write, I don't even know really how to organise my thoughts, so I will try to take things in order, but I will probably all of a sudden write things I'm feeling now.

Like how much I have started to hate him lately. It took me a while. I used to feel such guilt, and still do, but lately I have felt more anger. When I realised he actually ruined my life, that I haven't even been able to go to work for so long, that's when I started hating him for doing this to me.
And the hopelessness I have felt, the powerlessness. The pain which is actually pshysical.
It's like there is a monster living in my chest, trying to claw it's way out. It's ripping my insides to shreds.
I'm sure any rape victim will know exactly what pain I am talking about.

When I think of that, then I hate him.

I used to feel guilty for going to the police, thinking that maybe I was overreacting (and I still think that sometimes), like maybe it wasn't such a big deal. But my body is reacting this way, so surely that means that it WAS a big deal.
I used to be like the most positive person. I no longer see anything positive.

The only thing that helps me get through the day, and all the waiting all the time, is knowing that he is waiting also. Every day, waiting for the result of the investigation. He was arrested for rape, and he has conditions for bail that are not easy on him.
So I'm suffering, but at least for now he is also probably suffering. And he deserves it, every bit of it.

I hate him.