I tried to go back to work. Was there for 4 hours yesterday. It was exhausting. It's like nothing matters anymore except for him, and waiting to see what will happen to him. I found it really hard to sit and make small talk with my colleagues, like I used to love before. I couldn't go in today. I was only there 4 hours, and I panicked when I thought of the idea of being at work for 8 hours 5 days a week. I can't do it right now. I'm going to try to speak to HR and see if we can work something out so I can come back gradually. God I hate myself, I feel so useless right now, that I cant even manage working.
On another note, I will be seeing the psychologist once a week for 12 weeks, so that should hopefully be helpful. I don't want to be stuck like I am now. Oh I just want to be able to move on. Or at least forward a bit.
All I want to do right now is go and buy a bottle of wine. It's not even 1pm yet. But I know I will cave to the alcohol soon. I need the numbing of it today. I can't stand to feel the monster ripping at my chest today.
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