Facebook

I didn't know his last name, only him and his brothers first names. But somehow through many hours of searching the internet I managed to find him and his whole family on facebook. I thought at that point that that was what I wanted, to be able to maybe find out more about him. To see what kind of person he is, maybe not to forget his face, even though that seems like what any normal person would want. But I guess I wanted a face to hang on to somehow, in order to keep it real.

At first I couldn't bring myself to stop looking at his photos. Just staring into his eyes with pure hatred all day long. But seeing how happy he seems just made me feel even worse of course. Seeing that he is engaged to some stupid naive italian girl who is clueless about what he did to me.

I keep wondering what brought me to search for him for so long, and what made me keep checking his page all the time. Normal people would want to steer clear of the person who hurt you right? I'm not sure if I am the only one who feels this way maybe.

Every time I see his face now my heart skips a beat and I just get so angry all over again, so I try never to go on it. The problem now however is that I can never unknow his name. Before I found him, I had no choice, but now I have the choice and even though I know it makes me feel worse checking his page, I feel the need to do so sometimes.

I even sent a message to his girlfriend and brother once when I was really drunk. I fell into an anxiety coma of sleepingpills, weed and alcohol for days after that. I just wish I could forget his name. All their names. I don't want to risk sending any more messages to them. Even though at the same time I want to send messages to them all the time, telling them all what he did. But I know it would be to no avail, cause why would they believe some stranger over their brother/boyfriend/son.