I find that ignoring this seems to work the best. I think that is what I have been trying to mostly do this year. Ignore and keep control over myself.
Yesterday I was on the bus going to work, and realised that I only had 3 days left, and I got a worse pain in my chest than I have had in a long time, properly panicked. It took all my willpower to control myself not to have a panick attack right there on the bus. I was just sitting shaking, and as soon as I got into the office I stumbled into the bathroom getting sick.
I just couldn't keep the thoughts and images out anymore. Usually I can keep them at bay, but something triggered me I guess, and there they were. All the thoughts about him. I felt him touching me, grabbing me.
But nothing feels worse than seeing him again lying relaxed on the bed in his striped t-thirt and boxers, watching me with his arms up and behind his head, just watching me as if wondering what's wrong.
Those eyes just looking at me all over, as if he didn't understand he had done something wrong. Didn't understand why I was upset, and would want to leave.
I know that ignoring this and not dealing with the pain might not be the best long term solution. But I just can't stand the pain trying to deal with it brings. Every time I try to think about it, my brain just closes up and it feels like there is this invisible wall between me and the memory. And I can't break it, not yet. Maybe some day in the future, but not yet. It is painful enough being close to the wall, that I can't imagine breaking it. If I do, I can't imagine what might happen. So for now, I am happier living in oblivion outside the wall.
Some state of ignorance is definitely bliss.
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