Potential rapists everywhere

When I look back now at the days and months that has past, I can barely associate with any of it.
It used to be so painful, now I just feel a numbing sadness pretty much all the time.
I know I have changed. I know he changed me. Into someone I don't want to be.
I no longer want to be with a man, though at the same time I so desperately want someone to feel safe with. Feel that someone cares. But how will I ever find that when I can't bare to think of letting anyone getting close to me. It's like I put up these barriers. The only time I can bare to let a man touch me is when I have had way too much alcohol, and barely even then.

I keep thinking any man can be a rapist. I see a potential rapist in anyone.
The man(or should I say boy) who raped me looks like this normal guy who goes out drinking with his buddies, and when I am in a bar I keep thinking that any of the men in there could have raped someone at some point.
When I think of him going out trying to be with girls it makes me sick, sick that they will never know what a monster he is, sick that they will never know what he is capable of. Sick that they might trust him, and willingly go home with him and willingly sleep with him.

And when I think of the fact that he just got away with it, it makes me even more sick.
I think that is what ruined me, the fact that I was holding on to the investigation, and when it went nowhere, I just broke. I was waiting for so long for the investigation to be finished, and all I was, was that investiation, and when that was over I was no one anymore. I still feel like I am no one anymore.

I keep wanting to be stronger than this, everyone told me I was being so strong. I think it was just because I was in this bubble where only I existed and I was able to just power through somehow.

I can't stop seeing his smiling face and I just want to avenge him so badly. I want him to hurt. Hurt as much as he hurt me. He probably doesnt even think about it anymore. He probably just lives this happy life back in Italy and here my life is just crumbling at my feet.